She came from a land down-under
- Enekos
- Aug 15, 2023
- 8 min read
“You never forget a bird upside down,” mused Bogus Khan as the campfire roared away, freshly caught shrimp, grilling away. He took a sip from a hop-based beverage served in a shiny metal and turned to the gathered pirates. “She was caught in the snare, you see, one boot in and up she went, billowing dress and all. Big knife drops to the ground, and she starts coming out with the foulest language this pirate ever ‘erd. Ahh, it was like love a’ first sight – even when she started throwing other knives and stuff – ‘ad them ‘idden just about everywhere. But we had a job to do. It was simple to relieve her of that big purse of jewels and coins, which probs didn’t belong to her in the first place. And we knew that she’d run out of knives and bad words and then we’d be able to get what we came for. But dem knives, dem knife kept coming and poor ole Jonas got one right between eyes and all I ‘erd was ‘f*** yeh ya dumb galah’ and Jonas fell to the ground clutching his face and I thought yeh he is a dumb galah. Ah the language was vile and that billowing dress – well it made her look like an ostrich as she swung from side to side. And she was screaming something like ‘I’m a bloody queen’ and I don’t know what came over me, but there were three of us, not counting Jonas who was now deffo dead and ee was my mate and I dint like the other 2 anyways. So, I goes to first guy and hits ‘im with a rock and he drops like a sack of spuds and the other one ee looks at me with these wide eyes, so I put me sword through his throat and took his money. Then I goes over to the ostrich woman and she whipers somefin – I don’t ‘ear too well so I leans in, and she punches me in the gob, and I drops down.”
“And he looks at me,” continued a woman and says “Strewth you’ve got a good left hook there. Picks up me knife and cuts the rope. I falls flat on my face…”
“Wooping as she goes,” interrupted Bogus Khan, “Lands in a crumpled ‘eap and calls me every name under the sun. Sayin’ ‘ow she’s sick of that ‘appenin’ to her.”
“And he just says, ‘you’re welcome ya Bogan Queen.’ And that was that.”
“That’s how we met, and I’ve been a pirate ever since…”
The sands of time rushed backwards, the moon arcing in the sky followed by the sun and moon again hundreds of times and we arrive back in Veraku, where night has fallen, along with the first snow and three shadows sit on a rooftop watching the candlelight from one window in an obscure warehouse in a nondescript part of town. And beyond them, one more shadow watched, as he gently sucked on a boiled sweet…
This is the almost untold story from before the time when a farmer met a watchmaker; a story of a candle that flickered in a window of an obscure warehouse and the defiant shouts of a woman in a billowing dress who seemed to George Thomson-Ulysses to be upside down, inside the warehouse. It was an inconvenient distraction. George Thomson-Ulysses looked to his companions, whispered something to which one climbed down the ladder and walked serenely towards the warehouse, inserted a key in a door marked ‘Employees Only’, heard one click and opened the door.
Once inside, Lady Penelope du Chemont removed her hood and tried to ignore the profanity from the wall beyond, although she smiled at what the woman in the billowing dress was saying to – she presumed a man – about how he should be wearing a dress and probably did when his friends weren’t looking.
Not that she minded the shadow. He encouraged her to experience the world.
Growing up, Lady Penelope and her father – the Duke du Chemont - would often visit the “i-milos” vineyard – usually in the summer. It was one summer when she was 15 that some men had attempted to kidnap her. She had fought back, but it was Milan i milos who had stepped-in, knocking out 4 of the men and keeping her safe. The Duke du Chemont had been so grateful that Milan was made “Protector du Chemont” and he swore to always keep the Lady safe.
Milan i milos schooled the young Lady Penelope in the arts of self-defence, hidden weapons and encouraged her to interact with regular people. He gave her the space to experience life, keeping a respectful distance, but never flinched if Lady Penelope found herself in deadly situation where her skills lacked. But over the years, she had recognised her weakness and turned to both stealth and strategy which tended to avoid any confrontations.
But when her father dies, he was replaced by her spiteful brother Karis who made it clear, Lady Penelope was no longer welcome in the realm, unless she consented to marry a vile friend of the Duke Karis.
She left one night with few possessions and travelled across the land making her own life. Milan i milos was always close behind her. Eventually, Lady Penelope arrived in Veraku with a key to a warehouse, where a desk held a drawer with a map to an ancient temple on an island. And she would need a ship.
She had found a tall, nameless ship and an elf called Shady who had agreed to give her passage and help to acquire the map. Lady Penelope had said this wouldn’t be required, but Shady had insisted. He suggested George Thomson-Ulysses and Wynn the Just accompany her. Wynn had skills in obtaining things that didn’t belong to him, while Mr Thomson-Ulysses had skills that kept people quiet. Often permanently. Shady made it a condition of passage and Lady Penelope reluctantly agreed. And as the night descended, she left a boiled sweet, wrapped in white paper on an obscure barrel on the dock.
When Duke Karis came to power and Lady Penelope had left Chemont, Milan i milos did the only thing life had taught him. He followed Lady Penelope. There was no reason for him to remain – he had numerous brothers and sisters to maintain the vineyard. No, his place was to ensure the safety of Lady Penelope. While she hadn’t requested his presence or help, there was a recognised sense of duty and while they had their own lives, Milan was always there whenever Lady Penelope needed the Protector du Chemont. And whenever she needed the Protector du Chemont, she would leave a boiled sweet.
This one reminded him of blackcurrants.
George Thomson-Ulysses – or GTU to his friends – didn’t mind the cold. He came from a rain-soaked land in the far north, where a sunny day was often a time when the rain had simply got lost for a few hours. His life was a mystery to most as he chose not to speak often. Speaking caused problems and that would tend to leave dead people. And while he didn’t mind making dead people, he did mind the blood and other bodily fluids that came from dead people. There was also the fact that there tended to be a body to deal with. And dead bodies were uncooperative. And dead bodies tended to multiply because dead bodies often came with people who saw GTU make a dead body and that was unfortunate for them. GTU took no chances nor counted the numbers of dead bodies.
Before he was a killer, he owned a semi-successful store selling haberdashery which showed his exemplary taste in personal style but forced him to meet others of the same ilk. He loathed them. In they would come from the rain, muddy his floor, stain his linens, and buy two small buttons before they’d disappear again. The resentment was slow to burn but it eventually turned to simmering hatred. And when criticism came about his fabrics, something in George Thomson-Ulysses broke. He remembered the man – dressed in some awful pink suit with a feathered hat dripping mud onto his freshly cleaned floor and he remembered the ribbon. He remembered thinking how strong the ribbon was as this pompous oaf grasped the air in front of his throat, eyes bulging as George Thomson-Ulysses transitioned from the owner of a haberdashery into a new life – one where anyone who crossed his path in a disrespectful way would find their life suddenly cut very short.
His skills became legendary in the underground world. A man who killed silently, in the shadows with no emotion. He was almost elf-like in that respect mused Shady. And when George Thomson-Ulysses happened in the port of Veraku, Shady offered him a new life, a home aboard a tall, nameless ship and both freedom and protection should his deeds ever follow him back.
George Thomson-Ulysses turned and nodded to Wynn the Just who sighed and descended the ladder. Ancient temples on faraway islands tended to suggest gold and diamonds of a pureness that was unknown in the mines, so Wynn the Just was the perfect choice to take the map from the lady with the southern accent, while Mr Thomson-Ulysses was the perfect choice if said lady protested too much.
Wynn the Just also came from the rain-soaked north, but he never happened upon the haberdashery store – his life was pre-ordained – a seventh generation guild of thieves’ cardholder. A specialist in all forms of locks and no qualms about transferring ownership of items from a stranger to himself. And whenever the heat got too much (from the city watch) he’d simply move to another town and start again.
He reached Veraku and found his way into a tavern’s cellar where he overheard an elf give an order to some man to visit the cells of the night watch, find a well-dressed man and release him, upon which the man would be given a pouch of gold.
Wynn followed the man who seemed to lack any stealth and was last seen attempting to enter the second-floor window of the night-watch, breaking the glass in full view of the night patrol, losing his balance, and falling head-first into a water trough. In the commotion that followed, no one noticed the figure of Wynn slip inside the building and emerge several minutes later with a grateful well-dressed man, who suggested he meet the captain of a tall, nameless ship.
The astute reader will have already worked out what happened next. Wynn would reach the warehouse, happen upon Lady Penelope reaching the desk with the drawer, where the map was hidden, suggest she gave it to him for safe-keeping, suffer a swift kick between the legs, whereupon Lady Penelope would run past the window where the candle flickered, George Thomson-Ulysses would swear under his breath, throw a strap of leather over a rope that was strung between the two buildings, slide over to the warehouse, jump through the window, knock over the candle into the hessian sacks filled with straw, create a sudden whoosh of flames, catching the attention of the lady hanging upside down in a billowing dress, who saw another figure limping and cursing as he chased after the well-dressed man who was chasing the woman carrying a parchment, see her own attackers panic by the fire, giving her a chance to grab a concealed knife from somewhere in her billowing dress, reach up, cut the rope around her boot, fall to the ground, get up, run in the opposite direction of the fire, just in time to see the well-dressed man run straight into the sudden arrival of a fist. Despite all the smoke, she swore she could smell blackcurrants.
Somehow, they all reached the ship – slightly breathless. Blood streamed from the lip of George Thomson-Ulysses, Wynn’s brief pain had subsided and Shady the elf now had to contend with a well-spoken lady from Chemont accuse him of nefarious deeds. After everything was said, apologies made, and forgiveness given an uneasy silence fell between them, and all eyes turned to the woman who had been upside down.
“Strewth, your guys know how to throw a good party. Where do I sign up?”
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